The way to the heart of the mother-in-law: how the daughter-in-law to establish a relationship?

Mother-in-law - how much is in that word! Even before the wedding you have been told horror stories about what a monster mother-in-law can be. She interferes in your family life, teaches and criticizes, actively interferes in the upbringing of your children, and just interferes with life....

Do you really think so? Or maybe your mother-in-law is not an enemy at all, but on the contrary - an older friend? And you are bewildered to listen to the tearful stories of their friends about monster mothers-in-law, not understanding, but how in general such a thing is possible? The experience of a practicing family psychologist shows - in relations with mother-in-law quite often meet both extremes, but the bulk of relations in the tandem mother-in-law-daughter-in-law is somewhere between them.

Most girls getting married know very well that the wedding is just the beginning of a difficult journey. Yes, you have won the heart of the best and most beloved man - your husband.

How do you win his mom's heart?

So, on this thorny path you need to learn all the techniques and subtleties of diplomacy. To do this, you must first understand and in no case make such mistakes:

Fear an oppressive mother-in-law in advance and expect a catch?

Most likely, you still from childhood remember the conflicts between your mother and grandmother. And girlfriends have already managed to tell you what it's like to live with your mother-in-law. Therefore - armed to the teeth and prepare for a lifelong siege. Don't do it!

Most often, the mother-in-law is interested in an even and friendly relationship with her daughter-in-law - because sooner or later she will give her the most beautiful gift: a grandson (or granddaughter). And she will meet your defense power with obvious surprise. If you insist, she will put her batteries in position, and then your terrible expectations will come true. But it will not be your mother-in-law's fault, but yours! And therefore its military force is better to curtail until better times and for a start just to get acquainted, starting the relationship with a clean slate and throwing your stereotypes in the trash.

 Putting your husband in the position of "It's either me or your mom."

By issuing such an ultimatum, you are not just taking a swing at your mother-in-law's position - you are jeopardizing your own marital happiness. Your husband is clearly unhealthy - two of his most beloved women are at war, and he has become the scene of hostilities. By making such a demand, you will most likely not be able to hold this territory, because with a probability of 80% your husband will choose his mother.

Because a wife can be divorced and find another, but a mother is alone.

Remember this and try not to force your husband to your side. It is better to declare a truce and resort to good old-fashioned diplomacy.

Speak badly about the mother-in-law in the presence of her husband and children, take her advice in the bayonet, and respond to them in a rude manner.

Remember that for your husband, your mother-in-law is your own mother, whom he loves. Remember that for your children your mother-in-law is a beloved grandmother, and they love her too. By berating your mother-in-law in their presence, you hurt them all, and your only accomplishment in doing so is to spew out resentment. Isn't that a high price to pay for such a meager advantage? Also should not be rude and the mother-in-law herself - it is unlikely that you will thus gain any authority in her eyes. Of course, her advice, criticism and so on can be inappropriate, intrusive or just offensive, but responding to them with rudeness and irritation, you will only exacerbate the conflict. And do you really want that?

What do you need to do to mend your relationship with your mother-in-law?

A few small steps at the beginning of the relationship can help you set your mother-in-law up for a more favorable attitude. Here they are:

Try calling your mother-in-law mom.

You do not lose anything from this, and she will be unimaginably pleased. This kind of address brings you closer together, while the formal address by first name and patronymic, on the contrary, separates you from each other.

Listen carefully to her advice!

Yes, they are often very intrusive, sometimes out of place, often just useless. But listen to them worth at least because the mother-in-law's life experience is much more than yours, and a dozen (even a hundred) useless advice will be one, but very valuable. For such advice be sure to thank your favorite mother-in-law. What to do with the rest? Gently but confidently make it clear that you are competent enough to figure it out on your own, and if the advice concerns some household trifles - listen, nod, and do it your way. But the best thing will be if you notice in what area you are weak, and mother-in-law is savvy, and regularly ask her for advice in this area. Mutual agreement in this case - a matter of time.

Pay attention to various events in her life.

Whether you like it or not, your mother-in-law is your relative, and at least for this reason it is worth, for example, to congratulate her on her birthday. If you show sympathy for the state of her health, she will be very grateful to you (and most likely, she has similar problems, as any person of age). Such signs of attention are of great value in any relationship.

Don't be afraid to involve her in parenting.

Any grandmother loves her grandchildren very much, and they reciprocate. Of course, often the views of mothers and grandmothers on various aspects of upbringing are very different. Regarding such problematic moments, be sure to talk to your mother-in-law, argue your position. If you teach the child to eat only at the kitchen table, bring it (better several times to be sure) to the grandmother gently but confidently. Be sure to warn about any peculiarities (for example, children's allergies) to avoid problems. At the same time, do not be afraid to control the process - you have every right to do so as a mother. But you should not abuse control either.

If a contentious situation arises - don't hesitate to ask your husband for help.

Remove your husband from relations with your mother-in-law is not worth it, because he is interested in their goodwill no less than you. And therefore it is worth enlisting his help. You can ask your husband for advice on what to do in a disputed situation with his mother-in-law, because he as a son, knows his mother much better than you, and his advice will be quite useful. Sometimes (but not often) he can be asked to be a mediator in a difficult situation.

However, there are times when you can't get along with your mother-in-law. In this case, no one will help better than a family psychologist: he will help to understand all aspects of your relationship and identify all the pitfalls that you stumble over. The psychologist's advice will help you get out of the deadlock and build your relationship anew.

📌 Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)

1. Why is the relationship with your mother-in-law often strained?
   Tension can arise from mother-in-law jealousy of her daughter-in-law, differences in parenting and expectations, and fear of losing influence over her son.
2. How does a daughter-in-law set boundaries in her relationship with her mother-in-law?
   It is important to respectfully outline personal boundaries, discuss intervention issues with your husband, and work out rules for communicating with his mother together.
3. What are some ways to help build trust with your mother-in-law?
   Showing respect, taking an interest in her opinion, thanking her for raising her son and spending time together can help build trust.
4. How do you respond to criticism from your mother-in-law?
   Try to remain calm, accept criticism without aggression, discuss issues directly and constructively.
5. When should you seek help from a marriage counselor?
   If conflicts with the mother-in-law become constant, cause stress and negatively affect family life, consulting a specialist can be useful.