What to do about childhood jealousy of a second child?

Your daughter or son has repeatedly asked you to "buy" them a brother or sister. But when a baby appeared in the family, the older child's behavior became quite different. Instead of joy - jealousy, caprices, disobedience and even negativism. It's a familiar picture, isn't it?

You realize what caused the problem, but you can't tear yourself between your oldest and youngest.

What to do about childhood jealousy?

Before deciding to have a second child, the whole family should be prepared for this decision. To minimize the older child's feelings of jealousy toward the baby, consider several important factors when planning your family.

The age of the older child plays an important role in the nature of childhood jealousy.

Most often parents decide to have a second child when the first child is 4-5 years old. For him it is the most unfavorable period, it is at this age that socialization begins, and the child in this difficult matter needs the help of parents. But the second child appears in the family, the attention of both mom and dad is now focused on him, and the older one is left alone with his problems. As a result, the child finds the culprit in his troubles, and this culprit becomes a younger brother or sister. This situation can end very badly - the older one can offend the baby in every possible way, up to causing bodily harm. Little brother becomes an object of fierce hatred. To prevent this from happening, it is better to choose a more favorable age.

The best age is considered to be between 1 and 2 years old, when self-consciousness and selfishness have not yet had time to form.

However, for obvious reasons, not all parents decide to have two yearlings. If you have not decided, it is better to wait and give birth to a second child when the older child is 8-9 years old. At this age, the level of self-awareness and responsibility is already high enough, and jealousy will not be so acute, the child will be able to cope with it independently or with a little help from parents.

Psychologists have noticed - boys experience jealousy more acutely than girls.

This is due to the peculiarities of the psyche: boys early develop a sense of ownership, the concept of "my mother". And the realization that the mother now belongs not only to him, but also to another baby, becomes very painful. In girls, it is different - already in childhood is manifested maternal instinct, developed by games "in the daughter-mothers". This instinct can manifest itself even more strongly in relation to the younger child.

The eldest daughter can become an indispensable little helper to mom in caring for the baby. But often parents make a serious mistake, forbidding the older child to even approach the baby (not to mention allowing to establish contact), motivated by the fear that the older one will either harm the baby or infect him with something. A terrible picture is formed for the child: mom and dad have practically forgotten about him, all attention is paid to the baby, and he is not allowed to even come up and look. There is a feeling of rejection. The result can be deviant behavior, neurosis, even psychosomatic disease. The goal of all these conditions is the same - to snatch a bit of parental attention.

If you want to avoid such a development, you should prepare your child for the arrival of a brother (sister) in advance.

When your child asks for a sibling, he (she) expects to see not a screaming and helpless baby, but a child about his (her) age with whom he (she) can play his (her) favorite games. To avoid such disappointment, you need to explain to the child in advance that his future brother or sister will not soon be able to run and jump. In this serious conversation you will be very helpful baby pictures of your child - show them to him, tell him that he was also small and helpless at first, that it was necessary to take care of him all the time. This means that his little brother or sister will also need attention and care. Changes that happen to mom during pregnancy can also help with this: when the child asks why mom's belly is growing, explain that the baby is growing there. Recognizing this will help the child bond with a future sibling.

When the baby arrived, the older child's first reaction is curiosity.

Don't drive the older sibling away from the baby! Allow touching, stroking.

This is how the first contact is established, which will play a very important role in the development of future sibling relationships. For the boy, the tiny and helpless baby will become an object of protection, while the girl will be able to develop her maternal instinct even more strongly. In the future, the older child may express a desire to help you in caring for the baby. Do not refuse this help, but do not give the child tasks with which he will not be able to cope. And also - try to avoid another common parenting mistake:

do not impose on the older child to take care of the younger child!

A common situation is that dad and mom have gone about their business, leaving the younger child to the older child. Undoubtedly, sometimes you have to do this, but it should be remembered that the older child is not a babysitter, and also wants the usual childhood joys like playing in the yard. The younger, not allowing him to realize his desires, from a beloved brother turns into a burden. If you have to leave your children alone together, do it only when absolutely necessary.

Remember that an older child is just as much in need of parental attention as he or she was before.

With a baby, you can't give them the same amount of care, but you can keep them feeling loved. You can arrange something like alternating duty - if mom can't pay attention to the eldest because she is busy with the youngest, let dad do it. It is possible, and even necessary to involve grandparents, it will diversify children's experiences.

Unfortunately, these measures do not have 100% effect. Even under ideal conditions, destructive child jealousy can occur. In this case, the help of a child and family psychologist is needed. And if you realized that the cause of jealousy of the child was one of the parental mistakes, then the psychologist is all the more necessary.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ) ❓

1. How do you prepare an older child for the birth of a younger child?
   Talk about the future brother or sister in advance, involve him or her in the preparation process (choosing things, arranging the room), emphasize his or her important role as an elder.
2. What to do if an older child is jealous of a newborn?
   Pay special attention to your senior, find time for joint activities, emphasize his adulthood and importance, avoid sudden changes in his regime.
3. How to respond to an older child's aggression toward a younger child?
   Calmly stop aggression, talk through the child's feelings ('I can see you're angry'), suggest safe ways to express emotions, and give more positive attention.
4. Is it normal for jealousy to manifest itself not immediately?
   Yes, sometimes jealousy sometimes manifests itself after a few months, when the older one realizes that the younger one stays in the family forever. It is important to remain patient and understanding.
5. How to divide attention between children to reduce jealousy?
   Plan time for each child, find activities where the older one can express himself, involve him in taking care of the younger one (age appropriate), but don't make it a chore.