7 phrases you shouldn't say when someone is having a hard time - how not to increase their pain

Why is it important to be careful with words of encouragement? 🧡

When a loved one is in pain, you want to help and cheer them up - and then the standard phrases like "it's nothing" come out of your mouth. I often have to deal with such situations, and I notice that sometimes it is the words said with the best intentions that become an additional heavy burden for a person. In this article I want to break it down, What words not to say to those who are going through difficultiesWhat are the consequences of inattentive reassurance, and how to give the support you really need, even if it feels like "all has been said".

"It's no big deal" - why the phrase doesn't save but adds to loneliness

Remember yourself as a child when you tripped, fell, and got your first pain - physical or emotional? For little ones, it's an event, even if it seems like nothing to adults. When a child hears back, "It's no big deal!" - at that moment, he or she is not getting what he or she was expecting: support, acknowledgement of his or her pain, an opportunity to live out his or her emotion.

"If we're just told it's no big deal, we can have a sense of loneliness, of being misunderstood."

It works the same way in adulthood: the measure of your pain and anxiety is a very personal matter and a person always needs the right to experience his or her own pain, no matter how insignificant it may seem to outsiders. A simple "it's nothing" can be taken as a refusal of sympathy.

7 phrases to avoid - and what to replace them with

1. "It's no big deal."
   This phrase is not supportive, but repulsive.
   Instead, "I can see that this is hard for you right now. It's really unpleasant."
2. "You're strong!"
   Being strong is always hard - being vulnerable is just as important.
   Instead, "You have a right to feel this way."
3. "The important thing is that everyone is alive."
   It devalues other losses.
   Instead, "Your feeling is important. Tell me if you want to."
4. "Others have worse problems."
   Comparing pains is a road to nowhere.
   Instead, "You have a right to be upset about yours."
5. "You're not alone."
   Sometimes you can feel even more isolated.
   Instead, "I'm here for you. How can I help you?"
6. "Don't cry."
   To suppress an emotion is to drive it deeper.
   Instead, "If you feel like it, cry. It's natural."
7. "You've only lost..."
   Any loss is subjectively significant.
   Instead, "This is really important to you. I understand."

What happens when pain is not recognized? 🚫

When support is replaced by devaluation, the person faces additional challenges:

• There's a growing sense of loneliness and powerlessness;
• A distrust of one's own feelings - and the feelings of others - emerges;
• The person stops sharing his experiences, closes in on himself;
• The ability to empathize - both with loved ones and with oneself - is diminished.

Those who have heard "no big deal" since childhood often become less sensitive, try not to recognize their weaknesses and other people's suffering - because they just haven't learned to connect with it.

How to support in the right way? Tips from a psychologist 🤗

• Acknowledge the pain, even if it seems "small" to you;
• Be careful what you say - better honest silence than hasty devaluation;
• Show empathy: "Tell me how you feel", "I believe you";
• Use physical touch - a hug if the person is comfortable with it;
• Allow the emotion to be lived fully - tears, fear or anger have a place.

A friend of mine recently shared a practice that helps him cope with stress: visualize sunlight and, as you inhale, let it shine through you, and as you exhale, let go of the anxiety. It's a simple technique, but it helps show himself, "I'm right there with myself. I accept my feelings."

What is the difference between endorsement and depreciation?

Impairment	Support
"You're doing fine, why worry?"	"I can see this isn't easy for you. I'm here if you need me."
"Stop whining!"	"It's hard for you. It's okay to feel it."
"Others have bigger problems."	"Your feelings are important. I'm here for you."

Why is everyone's pain subjective?

"Everyone's threshold of endurance is different. What may seem a trifle to one may literally break another. And when an adult tells about his pain, he trusts. Do not devalue this act: let the person live his grief, even if it seems not so serious to you.

Conclusions: how not to amplify a person's pain - a reminder and support

• Don't say "it's no big deal" if you're not sure - even with the best of intentions!
• Every pain needs respect, attention, and time
• Remember that acknowledging a feeling doesn't mean you're being dramatic - you're just being supportive
• Ask how you are feeling, offer help, let them know you are there for them
• And if you feel that you yourself are having a hard time coping with the pain, don't hesitate to ask for support. Most importantly, don't be alone with your feelings.

FAQ: Frequently Asked Questions

1. Why would "no big deal" make the pain worse?
   This phrase devalues the interlocutor's feelings, leaving them alone with their trauma.
2. What to say to support the person?
   Show empathy ("I can see how hard this is for you") and ask how he is feeling right now.
3. How do you support your baby if he or she cries?
   Don't devalue his feelings. It's better to say, "I'm with you, I can see you're hurting."
4. Is it possible to compare pains?
   No, everyone's sensitivity and response to pain is different, comparisons only make it worse.
5. What do you do if it's hard to choose words?
   Sometimes it is enough just to be close to you, to listen and to give you a hug. Your attention is more important than words.