When a loved one is in pain, you want to help and cheer them up - and then the standard phrases like \"it's nothing\" come out of your mouth. I often have to deal with such situations, and I notice that sometimes it is the words said with the best intentions that become an additional heavy burden for a person. In this article I want to break it down, What words not to say to those who are going through difficulties<\/b>What are the consequences of inattentive reassurance, and how to give the support you really need, even if it feels like \"all has been said\".<\/p>\n\n\n\n\"It's no big deal\" - why the phrase doesn't save but adds to loneliness<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Remember yourself as a child when you tripped, fell, and got your first pain - physical or emotional? For little ones, it's an event, even if it seems like nothing to adults. When a child hears back, \"It's no big deal!\" - at that moment, he or she is not getting what he or she was expecting: support, acknowledgement of his or her pain, an opportunity to live out his or her emotion.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\n\"If we're just told it's no big deal, we can have a sense of loneliness, of being misunderstood.\"<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
It works the same way in adulthood<\/b>: the measure of your pain and anxiety is a very personal matter and a person always needs the right to experience his or her own pain, no matter how insignificant it may seem to outsiders. A simple \"it's nothing\" can be taken as a refusal of sympathy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
7 phrases to avoid - and what to replace them with<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
\n
- \"It's no big deal.\"<\/b>
This phrase is not supportive, but repulsive.
Instead, \"I can see that this is hard for you right now. It's really unpleasant.\"<\/i><\/li>\n\n\n\n- \"You're strong!\"<\/b>
Being strong is always hard - being vulnerable is just as important.
Instead, \"You have a right to feel this way.\"<\/i><\/li>\n\n\n\n- \"The important thing is that everyone is alive.\"<\/b>
It devalues other losses.
Instead, \"Your feeling is important. Tell me if you want to.\"<\/i><\/li>\n\n\n\n- \"Others have worse problems.\"<\/b>
Comparing pains is a road to nowhere.
Instead, \"You have a right to be upset about yours.\"<\/i><\/li>\n\n\n\n- \"You're not alone.\"<\/b>
Sometimes you can feel even more isolated.
Instead, \"I'm here for you. How can I help you?\"<\/i><\/li>\n\n\n\n- \"Don't cry.\"<\/b>
To suppress an emotion is to drive it deeper.
Instead, \"If you feel like it, cry. It's natural.\"<\/i><\/li>\n\n\n\n- \"You've only lost...\"<\/b>
Any loss is subjectively significant.
Instead, \"This is really important to you. I understand.\"<\/i><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\nWhat happens when pain is not recognized? \ud83d\udeab<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
When support is replaced by devaluation, the person faces additional challenges:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\n
- There's a growing sense of loneliness and powerlessness;<\/b><\/li>\n\n\n\n
- A distrust of one's own feelings - and the feelings of others - emerges;<\/b><\/li>\n\n\n\n
- The person stops sharing his experiences, closes in on himself;<\/b><\/li>\n\n\n\n
- The ability to empathize - both with loved ones and with oneself - is diminished.<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n
Those who have heard \"no big deal\" since childhood often become less sensitive, try not to recognize their weaknesses and other people's suffering - because they just haven't learned to connect with it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
How to support in the right way? Tips from a psychologist \ud83e\udd17<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
\n
- Acknowledge the pain, even if it seems \"small\" to you;<\/b><\/li>\n\n\n\n
- Be careful what you say - better honest silence than hasty devaluation;<\/b><\/li>\n\n\n\n
- Show empathy: \"Tell me how you feel\", \"I believe you\";<\/b><\/li>\n\n\n\n
- Use physical touch - a hug if the person is comfortable with it;<\/b><\/li>\n\n\n\n
- Allow the emotion to be lived fully - tears, fear or anger have a place.<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n
A friend of mine recently shared a practice that helps him cope with stress: visualize sunlight and, as you inhale, let it shine through you, and as you exhale, let go of the anxiety. It's a simple technique, but it helps show himself, \"I'm right there with myself. I accept my feelings.\"<\/p>\n\n\n\n
What is the difference between endorsement and depreciation?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Impairment<\/th> Support<\/th><\/tr> \"You're doing fine, why worry?\"<\/td> \"I can see this isn't easy for you. I'm here if you need me.\"<\/td><\/tr> \"Stop whining!\"<\/td> \"It's hard for you. It's okay to feel it.\"<\/td><\/tr> \"Others have bigger problems.\"<\/td> \"Your feelings are important. I'm here for you.\"<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n Why is everyone's pain subjective?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
\"Everyone's threshold of endurance is different. What may seem a trifle to one may literally break another. And when an adult tells about his pain, he trusts. Do not devalue this act: let the person live his grief, even if it seems not so serious to you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Conclusions: how not to amplify a person's pain - a reminder and support<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
\n
- Don't say \"it's no big deal\" if you're not sure - even with the best of intentions!<\/li>\n\n\n\n
- Every pain needs respect, attention, and time<\/li>\n\n\n\n
- Remember that acknowledging a feeling doesn't mean you're being dramatic - you're just being supportive<\/li>\n\n\n\n
- Ask how you are feeling, offer help, let them know you are there for them<\/li>\n\n\n\n
- And if you feel that you yourself are having a hard time coping with the pain, don't hesitate to ask for support. Most importantly, don't be alone with your feelings.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n
FAQ: Frequently Asked Questions<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
\n
- Why would \"no big deal\" make the pain worse?<\/b>
This phrase devalues the interlocutor's feelings, leaving them alone with their trauma.<\/li>\n\n\n\n- What to say to support the person?<\/b>
Show empathy (\"I can see how hard this is for you\") and ask how he is feeling right now.<\/li>\n\n\n\n- How do you support your baby if he or she cries?<\/b>
Don't devalue his feelings. It's better to say, \"I'm with you, I can see you're hurting.\"<\/li>\n\n\n\n- Is it possible to compare pains?<\/b>
No, everyone's sensitivity and response to pain is different, comparisons only make it worse.<\/li>\n\n\n\n- What do you do if it's hard to choose words?<\/b>
Sometimes it is enough just to be close to you, to listen and to give you a hug. Your attention is more important than words.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n